Every year we remember to do it, my friend Jason and I place a bet with each other (sometimes to the inclusion of others) on who can pick Triple J’s Hottest 100 top 10 songs. How this works:
1. Each participant picks 10 songs for submission they think to have been most popular in the past year by the start of Hottest 100 countdown on Australia Day.
2. A total score is produced by tallying the individual ranks of each song nominated. Eg. A song that ranked 26 will achieve a score of 26. A song that did not even make it in to the top 100 receives and automatic score of 200.
3. The winner is the participant who obtained the lowest score and therefore was the “most” correct in guessing the Top 10.
4. The loser/s than have to provide the winner with the Triple J Hottest 100 CD/DVD when it is released.
It was only after a long night that the clock struck 5.30am and I realised that I had not received a reply from Jason asking who had won the annual competition that for the first time spanned across state-lines. I had expected Jason to win this year, as I never actually got around to deciding my top 10 votes and at the last minute just put forward the 10 songs I nominated personally (see previous blog posting for my quality taste in music)…. Given Jason and I’s highly competitive history and insults such as “stinky” and “slut-mole” the standard way we express our affectionate disliking of each other – you can imagine I was quite shocked I had not received a text, picture message, voice mail, fb wall post, fb private message, telegram, email, snail mail, or neon-flashing sign rubbing in that he had finally won this year… I gave it another 24 hours, and when there was no knock at my door with a hairy fat man with ear wax protruding from his orifices bursting out of a giant cake singing a “jason is the winner” anthem to the tune of the Spicegirls “Wannbe” (classic tune by the way)… I decided to do the hard yards myself and tally up the scores.
Not to the surprise of many… I have beaten Jason every year since the competition started and has been running. And to my shock and surprise – this year was no exception! I had done it again! “You little ripper!!!”, I screamed with glee.
The exception this year was my verbose, unforgiving, relentless, chaotic, soul-bashing of a public declaration of my victory! (That could quite possible be strong evidence to have me either committed or make me famous… I’m hoping for the latter).
So here it is folks, the wait is over. How did the delightful Miss Nikole Staats announce to the masses of the crushing defeat of one Señor Jason Napiorkowski?
Nikole Staats 36 minutes ago near Sydney (thank christ it wasn’t Mascot for once) posted to Jason Napiorkowski’s FB Timeline:
“well no wonder you’ve been avoiding my “who won” msg…
just did the calculations… Reminder lowest score wins and rule 51a. subsection b. part 11. states that no competitor can wear grandpa shoes or an automatic forfeit will occur and the violating participant will be forced to perform “i’m a little teapot” as a part of lunch time entertainment at Silverwater jail after a month long suspension of conjugal visits to all inmates. (better have the voice of jonny cash… or it aint gonna end pretty!)Now with the formalities out of the way….
*drum roll please*
The final scores show:
Jason with a 641.
Songs scoring:1, 9 , 12, 26, 31, 33, 43, 86 (but unfortunately 2 picks outside of the 100 obtaining 200 points each) 200, 200Nikole with a 447.
Songs scoring: 1, 6, 11, 13 , 19, 23, 27, 60, 87 and only one pick that failed to make an appearance obtaining a 200and what do ya know?? NIKOOL is victorious for yet again and maintains her 100% winning record against long term triple j hottest 100 rival NAPPY.
Interviewer (lets call him Brucey the Bruster): ”Nikool, would you like to tell us how you feel about once again proving your wisdom and wits in the music world? how do you keep producing such decisive and convincing wins?”
Nikool: *bashful and humble* “naww… shucks brucey… i wouldnt go that far, but thank you for the flattering comments. i really don’t know how i pulled it of this year… i really thought this was going to be the year i lost my title to the pooey-NAPpy. i was riding on a default submission of my own personal choices due to poor time management and strategic planning leading up to the day… i really am still in shock and the victory hasn’t sunk in yet… it doesnt seem real that i’m going to be taking home yet another triple j hottest 100 cd at the expense of my worthy competitor, NAPtime…”
Brucey the Brucester: ”well nikool, that was spoken like a truly gracious winner! this must make it your 3rd win and you are looking more and more to be an unstoppable force in the years to come. can you tell us your secret?”
Nikool: ”to be honest brucey… i just listen to what the people are saying and speaking from their hearts. you know… its just… its mabo… its the vibe… and its the people that are the true winners today!”
Brucey the Brucester: ”Thank you for your time Nikool. I wont hold you any longer, as I’m sure there are lines of adoring fans wanting your autograph, the sweat off your brow or a flake of dandruff off your scalp… i did hear there is are cash amounts being offered for whoever can track down a sample of your twosies. Ladies and gentlemen a round of applause for the champ- NIKOOOOOOL!” *the crowds go wild! fireworks paid for by clover moore go off in the background! men, women, children and midgets all throw their underwear in desperate hope of a returned glimpse from the saucy victor – NIKOOOOOOL*
*ADD BREAK*
Brucey the Brucester: ”Welcome back Australia! It’s mayhem here! we’ve just spoken with Nikool, reigning champ of the Triple J Hottest 100 song pick betting comp and Australia’s favourite daughter! Now… please bear with us as we try to track down a from Jason “Nappy-Napkin-sNaP-in-your-face”kowski!”
*cut away to a montage of all the cameras filming the even in Australia in the hunt for NAPoleon*
camera 1 in the ladies sanitary bin – no jason!
camera 2 at lucas heights waste management plant – no jason!
camera 3 in pauline hansons underwear draw – no jason!
camera 4 at campbelltowns single mothers meeting – no jason!
camera 5 from the gimps closet – no jason!Brucey the Brucester: ”Well Australia… it appears that the shame of yet another defeat has forced stinky-NAPPY into hiding. Dirty-NAPPY… if you’re watching this now… please come forward… and take comfort in the fact that its not all about who wins (although that is a large part of it and the reason we keep the score), but its about how you played the game… which unfortunately wasn’t very well this time – but the only direction you can go from rockbottom is up! Until then – please Australia keep your eyes out for a young man – last seen with sandy hair and mismatched grandpa shoes. assailant may have blue-tear-filled eyes, a snotty nose, may curled up rocking gently in the fetal position whispering “mummy… im sorry mummy” every so softly to calm the voices and may not have wiped his bot-bot for several days now. Please practice caution when approaching possible suspect. It is advised that
- gasmasks be worn for odour protection
- princess crowns be worn for a royal appeal
- a glass of brandy and a cuban cigar to be shared by all for a touch of elegance to this witch hunt
- that “everybody knows that the bird is the word” is played on constant rotation through public sound systems and each province nominate a peter griffin look-a-like to do his dance every 1 hour and 42 minutes. For 42 is the meaning of life!
- and under no circumstances do you approach the offender with barbie dolls. Barbie dolls are a known visual stimuli to trigger violent post-traumatic episodes in “catNAP” due his self-discovery of being a hermaphrodite at the age of 7 in his Aunt Martha’s dungeon of debauchery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This is Brucey the Brucester signing off from the live broadcasting of “Nikole Staats defeats Jason Napiorkowski: Behind the Scenes Vol. 3″ as Tracey Grimshaw is waiting keep you all brainwashed and stupid with the latest falsified hogwash story on how refugees are stealing our dingoes! Again, please stay safe (lock your doors and use condoms) until the silent “nap” assassin has been found and Australia has the opportunity for closure with his explanation of his consecutive failures and a vocal confession of his age. Nappalina – you can not stay 18 forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay classy San Diego & say hi to your mum for me! Hugs, kisses and tickles from your favourite B-grade made up celebrity for the purposes of nikoles creative entertainment – “Brucey the Brucester”.
*Final credits roll*”
Does one know how to rub salt in le wound or what??
The exhilaration I felt when I realised I had won, was nothing compared to the euphoric delight of letting Jason know that I had won in such a ridiculous, pompous, load of nonsensical rubbish. The only thing more ridiculous than my “verbal victory dance” was the amount and time and effort I put in to it, slightly embarrassing really.
And now I bow and exit stage left! 
